Yes to Bailout No to Super Bowl

This has been quite the tumultuous year for companies and citizens alike. The job losses are in the millions and companies once thought to be rock solid are now bankrupt or no longer exist. In all of the chaos, many of these companies which exist and profit mightily from America's capitalist system and small non-intervening government policies, have suddenly had a change of heart--well in some respects. They still want smaller government and fewer restrictions, but they also want a little welfare.

You will have to have lived on Jupiter not to know that the $700 million bailout was approved and so begins the dissemination of our tax dollars to private institutions. One company that did not ask for nor has it received any financial assistance from the government, FedEx, has declined to purchase commercial slots for the upcoming Super Bowl. How delightful I thought. FedEx recently announced reductions in management salaries and a suspension of retirement contributions. Thus, it is only proper judgment to also reduce astronomical spending elsewhere--ala Super Bowl advertising. In all fairness, General Motors announced that it would not purchase advertising slots for the Super Bowl either. I'm still waiting on confirmation that other recipients of bailout money will follow suit.

I do not want to see a single advertisement from AIG or as a matter of fact, any mortgage lender. This is not to exculpate private citizens for biting more than they could chew and getting these mortgages, but private citizens don't typically purchase network advertising. I don't want to see one advertisement for a Ford, a Chrysler, or Wachovia. Will this create a revenue problem for NBC? In all likelihood yes. However, NBC is owned by General Electric, so I think they'll manage.

I am simply disgusted with the lack of accountability demonstrated by so many of the culpable in this financial crisis. The leaders of these companies, while begging for government assistance, show no contrition and shun any oversight. Curbing advertising spending, particularly during the Super Bowl is a decent show of faith. Nevertheless, we have a ways to go in rebuilding the reputations of our financial and automotive industries.

A Case for Santa

If you've ever read my blog or even been in my presence, you surely know I'm not one for mainstream thinking and ideas, particularly when it comes to Xmas. I am a mother of young children and we have never nor do we ever anticipate lavishing them with gifts on the alleged birthday of Jesus, one of the Xian deities of the trinity. It is commercialism at its best. However, that is a topic for another post. Today, as ironic as it may be, I am writing to make a case for Santa.

I'm not one to judge other parents for promoting the myth of Santa to their children. After all, it is their tradition and traditions are a form of bondage difficult to break. Parents like to live vicariously through their children through the myth of Santa for it reminds them of their childhood pleasantries. I still don't get it for I'd much rather my children have their existence free of my burdens and insecurities, but that is just me.

Until the other day, I did not dare think I would see or hear something that would encourage me to promote the myth of St. Nick. Yet, I have. As I listened to XM Radio the other day, the d.j. began to share the story of a nine year old girl who had written a letter to Santa asking him to stop her uncle from fondling her. My immediate reaction was that the uncle should be castrated. Then, my thoughts went to the little girl. How brave of her to write Santa about her terrible experience. This is the kind of experience that young girls keep secret for decades for fear of retribution and or admonishment. This is a shame that young girls harbor into womanhood that often denigrates future relationships. Yet there was some intense attachment to hope in Santa's power. It is this story and others like it which would lead me to make a case for Santa.

Nonetheless, Santa is indeed a myth. In this situation, someone obviously found and read the child's letter and was able to intervene. What of all the children who really do need help and write to this imaginary man only to never receive it? For those children, can the case for Santa be made?

Defeated

Something is amiss with my husband and me. Last Thanksgiving, we were in sync...finishing each other's sentences, reading each other's minds, Taboo champs. We walked into Casa de Walker and left their metaphorical carcasses decomposing in defeat. We cleaned the floors with them. We were unstoppable, yes, we shamed my cousins in their own home. Well, today was the rematch and it wasn't really so much that my husband and I were off as much as it was the rest of our team. We went from the dream team last year to bench warmers. My mother's trusty steed claimed to be so adept at the game only to not even get one clue from his mouth. Thank the Creator for Six who saved the day and managed to keep us in the game. You go girl! Mommy is so proud of you.

This is serious, it has become a tradition of gatherings. We play to win. What is most disturbing is that we lost to my cousin who is 13. I must admit, I beckoned him to the other side because I foolishly believed that he might lack the general knowledge to give good clues. Boy was I wrong. He gave them eight of their 16 points. If you have not played Taboo, Gestures, or Scrabble you are really missing some hilarious fun. I remember my family battling each other at each holiday gathering when I was a little girl. They would argue vehemently over the legitimacy of words when the dictionary, which was on the table, would have much more quickly resolved the argument. It was the spirit and thrill of it all. Now as an adult, I have caught that same spirit of camaraderie. This year, it has ended in disappointment. Nonetheless, as always, we had so much fun--even if we did lose. Surprisingly, my super competitive husband is not that bothered about it. Perhaps he expended all of his mojo on the Cowboys who did win today. So, he'll be on cloud nine till the next game.

Re-Up or Opt Out

I've been married or incarcerated for a minute depending upon which day you ask. These are the breaks. You don't coexist with anyone without at least cogitating once or one thousand times (this is an exaggeration for all of those insanely perpetually blissfully married or cohabitants--you know the kool-aid drinkers). I recall one of my good friends visiting me with her husband and daughter from S. Korea shortly after I had gotten married. I was pregnant with our first child. They looked at each other, longingly and said, we're stuck. Neither of us can leave. We have our daughter, bank accounts, intertwined credit, passports, a home in another country--we are stuck. Well, some way, some how, they got unstuck and divorced oh, maybe three or four years ago. There was a rifle and a closet involved, an easy motivation to find some kind of solvent to loosen that adhesive that had them so stuck.

I've known so many couples who have parted ways, others who are seriously considering it, and of course every once in a while, I encounter the liar who talks ad nauseum about how perfect and wonderful their marriage always is. I think you call them newlyweds or just liars. For those of us who keep it real, we'll let you know it is about serious effort and there are times when one or both are not putting forth his or her fair share. It happens. So, I share all of this to suggest a marriage clause. No, not a prenuptial agreement. We get so caught up in protecting "my" or "his" finances that we don't think anything about protecting who and what we are and will surely become during the evolution of the marriage. That prenuptial and splitting finances s^%$ is a topic for another blog.

I propose a "Re-Up or Opt Out Clause". The stage at which you choose to implement it is an entirely personal choice, be it the "seven year itch", the ten year marker, or for ye with little faith two years (I recommend at least five, the first two years are getting to know you working out the kinks years anyway unless your man is crazy, deranged in which case you had signs before you said I do.) By having this clause as a part of your marital agreement, each member of the couple has the option at whatever stage you preselect, to either re-up for another interval, or opt out, no questions asked, uncontested. Just as both parties were required to sign up initially, both parties must agree to re up. If one member of the couple decides he or she does not wish to continue with the marriage, the other member must adhere to the agreement. Perhaps this will make things easier. Of course this could be viewed as one of those planning to fail things, but I look at it as just being honest. Your forever may not be the same as my forever. Besides, it is a lot better than one member feeling like a hostage.

I'm sure many will abhor this suggestion. Those are the people whose spouses would choose to opt out. As my mom always says, "You can't hold back water when it wants to go." For proof of that, remember New Orleans August 2005 or India December 2004. When someone really wants to do something they have the force of water.

Jedi Mind Tricks

For those of you unfamiliar with Star Wars, don't worry, you needn't be to understand this post. There are millions of people, perhaps tens of millions, who engage in Jedi mind tricks daily. My children have used Jedi mind tricks every since they learned to speak. It is rather annoying I must say, particularly for those of us who respect and demand concise communication both written and verbal.

Let me enlighten you as to what a Jedi mind trick is. Basically, it is passive aggressive language or behavior performed to request or cajole someone else to action when it might have just as easily been done by simply asking in a direct manner. Here is an anecdote. This evening, the natives and I were in K- Roger, that's right, not Kroger, but K- Roger, check the signs folks, that's they way they present it, so that is the way I say it as two distinct syllables--but I digress. At any rate, we were in the supermarket and Five says, "I wish I had some cookies." So already perturbed because this is the hundredth time Five and/or Six has tried this, I responded, "Look, don't try your Jedi mind tricks on me. If you want something, I have taught you the proper way to ask. I shall not be persuaded or dissuaded to action with Jedi mind tricks." Then, Five politely asked, "may I have some cookies please." Of course I purchased cookies.

These tricks happen quite frequently. My aunt tried unsuccessfully to bait me to reveal information about my cousins whereabouts by saying, "I heard she was in X." My response, "Really." Then, she says, "I wonder where she is?" I did not respond. I don't like questions posed as statements or any passive aggressive mechanism. Just ask for what you want. Otherwise, it will be ignored by me. What people are failing to realize is that I am a Jedi Master. Pseudo Jedi apprentices need not apply. Unless you have mastered telekenisis, mind reading, or prophesy, don't try me. Just ask directly. You'll get a direct response. It may not be one to your liking, but a response nonetheless.

Stop Doing Slave Things

Last weekend, my sister, brother, and mother visited us and we really enjoyed each other's company. We visited Atlanta area colleges so that my sister, who graduates in a year, could get an idea of where she might like to attend. I had no idea, until Saturday, that my sister still does slave things. Please allow me to elaborate.

Saturday morning, my sister asked me if I had some grease. "Grease?", I asked. "You mean, cooking oil?" "No", my sister replied. "Hair grease." Seriously, black people, are there really some of you out there who still believe you need grease to straighten or maintain the straightness of your hair? I explained that I do not use grease and have had the same can of oil sheen for six years. Moreover, I don't use grease laden products. Please allow me to enlighten you. All you need is heat. We figured out, oh about a decade or so ago, that grease is not only unnecessary, it is damaging to hair follicles. I also learned that my sister still uses sponge rollers, which strip the hair of moisture and lead to breakage, particularly if you do not use grease. So, I guess in her case, she really does need grease since she is still using sponge rollers. They still sell those?

On to my next slave like behavior. My mother, and many mothers and aunts across America, still eat slave food. At least once a month, she is cooking greens, pinto beans, or some slave food like that. Now, we do not consume swine and have not since 1992, so I would consider my folks to be evolved slaves, but slaves nonetheless. Come on black people. We have a black president and I don't expect him to pull the grill onto the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So please, expand your horizons, stop using hair grease, stop cooking black eyed peas, and stop doing slave things. Us is free now.

Wonderment!

I am simply in awe. I certainly did not think that I would see this day in my young life if at all. Today, I have witnessed a new America, a truly United States of America in which perhaps a man is judged more by the content of his character and less by the color of his skin. Is this a dream? I am shocked as well as amazed, in pure wonderment. I am also honored to witness history. The dream is no longer deferred.

I am happiest for my dear son, for all the sons of color who have been told implicitly that there are limits to their achievement. I have even before he was born told my son that he could be anything his heart desires. Now, I have the manifestation of those desires as the shining example of what my son and all of our sons can be. For this, I owe America much gratitude. I too sing America. You now see how beautiful I am and are no longer ashamed.

Clinton & Modern Day Imperialism & Colonialism

First, let me applaud President Bill Clinton for having the courage and gumption to admit the error (I would like to say malice, albeit unintentional) in our foreign aid policies. As Clinton stated, "We all blew it, including me when I was president...Food is not a commodity like others. We should go back to a policy of maximum food self-sufficiency. It is crazy for us to think we can develop countries around the world without increasing their ability to feed themselves." By treating food crops as commodities instead of as a vital right of the world's poor, we have in effect castrated agricultural self-sufficiency. This is particularly egregious in nations with regimes of dictatorship, corruption, and coercion, which unfortunately are the norm in Africa. Let me also, applaud President George W. Bush for having the foresight and the integrity to introduce legislation which would have positively altered this policy.

Please allow me to impart the wisdom of the statements that will follow through this cursory history lesson. During much of modern history, that is, for the 15th - 20th centuries, imperialism and colonialism were the paramount "diplomatic" strategies of European nations. The American Heritage Dictionary in essence defines imperialism as extending a nation's authority by territorial acquisition or by the establishment of economic and political hegemony over other nations. It defines colonialism as "a policy by which a nation maintains or extends its control over foreign dependencies". The British, the Dutch, Germans, French (not an exhaustive list)--all of the world's most powerful nations exercised such policies and successfully garnered control of many African, South American, and Asian nations. Just Google Cecil Rhodes for whom Rhodesia was named (now Zimbabwe), or the Sepoy Mutiny to get a picture of the gravity of these policies. Colonialism and Imperialism are the very policies which have resulted in the Haitis of today.

I'm certain that most would find my analogy of imperialism/colonialism to our foreign aid policies a bit too grave, but let's call a spade a spade. By the very definition provided by the American Heritage Dictionary or any other reputable reference of your choosing, we are in effect extending our authority by the establishment of an obvious economic hegemony through the elimination of agricultural subsidies & education in poor nations. Moreover, we have been acting to strengthen agricultural output in our own nation by requiring that all aid be from our coffers. The result has been, as you would certainly understand it if you are familiar with our subsidies to US farmers, agricultural, economic, political, diplomatic, social, and philanthropic (for the sake of image) rise for our nation.

For the nations receiving the aid, we provided them with the proverbial fish and fed them for symbolically a day, and literally for a few days. What we have failed to do, is empower and educate these nations and their people towards self-sufficiency. Like the days of overt colonialism and imperialism, we have executed policies which are inherently designed to drive other nations towards dependency on foreign governments. You have so many ignoramuses, who will cry aloud in anger as to why these countries or those people cannot help themselves. They have not been given the tools necessary to do so. We deprived them of not only the fishing lesson, but the rod as well.

The Tooth Fairy...

and other mythical creatures or legends. Like so many other Americans, I was reared in the Xian tradition. Everything about my family was pretty typical--enormous Thanksgiving meals, Easter dresses and ring curls, and of course Xmas. Included in these traditions are the figures of myth and legend that are infused in the lives of children--figures with whom we become more familiar than some of our actual relatives.

Every Easter for perhaps the first decade of my life the Easter Bunny visited my home and left a basket full of goodies that surely contributed to my adolescent weight problem (along with the every other day Suzy Qs). My older cousins teased me with tales of the Boogey Man, the Tooth Fairy and of course there was Santa Claus.

My husband and I decided before embarking upon parenting that we would not impose such farces upon our children. They are the foundation of lying. How are we to impart honesty within our children if we compose and or participate in the grandest of lies to our children? Moreover, why would we want to give credit to mythical beings for our laborious efforts?

I recall so vividly the devastation of learning there was not Santa. I lie. It didn't really matter, nor did it leave even the slightest impression. I actually pitied my mother who had worked so diligently to maintain the charade for so many years and yet, I was elated to see the relief on her face that she would no longer have to continue it. Now she could relish in all the much deserved credit for the gifts I'd received. So, no, we do not lie to our children about some fat dude sliding down our chimney with frankincense and myrrh. We don't even purchase gifts for Xmas. Engaging in that sham is the greatest marketing ploy ever, but I digress. Saving that for the special Xmas edition.

Well, we stood our ground firmly until our beloved child with XX chromosomes lost her first tooth. Typically, I'm rather steadfast in such affairs, but for whatever reason, I lost composure. I thought of how much I might rob our children because of my chastisement of the establishment, my abhorrence of insane tradition. Had I sentenced my children to lives of complete depravity all for my personal need to appear rational?

I thought long and hard (long enough for that tooth to fall out) and decided to surrender this once. I recalled how much joy believing in magic brought me. How ecstatic I seemed to always be to believe in the myth of the Tooth Fairy honoring my transition from baby teeth to permanent ones. I want my children to experience this kind of myth that isn't steeped in religious dogma and mortal damnation. Yes, the Tooth Fairy is the safer legend. And for a little while, before her life spins into an oblivion of the real world, my daughter can believe. My son can too if his roots ever lose the kung fu grip they have on his teeth.

Photo Blog

If you have a Negro child, you will surely relate. No time or cerebral capacity to write tonight, so enjoy the photo blog of my evening. I shampooed Six's hair tonight and no Mom, I did not cut Five's faux hawk.

Okay, so I am unable to even organize the photos in the right order. So, it begins with the fro and ends with the drink.

ta da.

A King's Prey

As a child and now as an adult, I thoroughly enjoy National Geographic. My grandmother would bring me the magazines and I would study the habits of creatures not very different from us. Lions and hyenas have been a particular fascination for me. Specifically the juxtaposition of their hunting styles, the respect or lack thereof they display for their prey. These two animals' hunting rituals mimic the preying rituals of their kingdom cousins--the human male and their female preying rituals.

Let's begin with the hyena. The hyena is a scavenger, an ugly creature which typically feasts upon the remains of other predators. There is no real selection, no ultimate design or honor in its method. It preys upon the stench of death in the same fashion that lesser men prey upon weak and vulnerable women so they can further mutilate the spirit of an already spiritually decapitated woman. This is its nature, its role in the circle of life. This behavior is expected of the hyena. For the men who exhibit these behaviors, there must be no greater expectation. They are who they are and I do not fault them. I fault the women who lay in waiting for them. The ones who release the scent of frailty--the scent that beckons to be devoured by the lowly hyena.

The lion, though it will scavenge, is a majestic beast of legend. It lay in wait as part of its pride's strategy to capture and voraciously consume the fruits of its labor. Though it too will search a pack of animals for its weakest member, it still engages in the hunt. In its chase it demonstrates its prowess, the reason for its reputation. The deftness in its tact and the potency of its jaws strike fear in many prey and submission in its mates. This is what you expect of the lion. You expect the chase. You expect to be caught, labored after. You aren't rotting leftovers, you are a feast.

At the end of the day, men will prey. Whether they are scavengers or predators depends upon the prey. Any self respecting woman would rather be hunted and feasted upon by the lion--the king, the one who makes it his endeavor in life to bring the game of predator and prey. What woman wants to be the meal of some slovenly hyena that primarily seeks death?

I provide this analogy for someone who is very dear to me. She waits, spiritually defeated --attracting the bottom rungs of the animal kingdom providing no challenge to the lowly predators. Why not be subdued by higher forms? If you are going to be the prey, be the prey of the lion, a respected beast. Be chased, be a challenge, a feast. Make him work for you. I don't say this to belittle anyone. Men will hunt; it is their nature. Some are hyenas, some are lions and surely a few in between. Be the spoils of victory--well designed strategy, not the spoiling carcass of defeat. Until you resurrect your spirit, you will only attract those seeking death.

Be a king's prey.

Is the Thrill Gone?

What happens to people, particularly women when they marry? Why do they suddenly become old maids? Why do men suddenly become sports watching couch potatoes? This homeliness that sets in must be to what B.B. King is referring when he sings The Thrill Is Gone. Couples frequently reminisce about the times of fun and spontaneity they experienced before they exchanged the "I Do" shackles. Does the weight of a marriage license and all the responsibilities it entails preclude fun and enjoyment? I encounter so many couples who do absolutely nothing with friends that they did before they married. I've heard that this is the way it must be. It seems so silly to me. Why marry someone only to have them change into someone else?

My husband still hangs with his same crew--some members married, well most members unmarried, one married. They still do the same things--clubbing, football games, card games, and cook-outs. I still hang with my same crew--most divorced or contemplating it, one married, two single (not counting divorcees). We still kick it the same as before--clubbing, shopping, girls' night outs, etc. It is a release. It is a necessity. It keeps us sane. We didn't become different people because we said I do. We only became committed to each other, not committed to a life of boredom and insecurity. A colleague remarked once at how fortunate I am to have a husband who does not hound me about where I've been and with whom. "Fortunate", I thought?? Is this not the norm? Why are women with insecure men? At the end of the day, I'm a GAW (Grown Ass Woman) and he is a GAM (Grown Ass Man). We do not live with our parents, nor do they provide any financial security for us. Hence, we are not obligated to answer for our actions. What this gets down to is trust and respect. Why live with someone whom you are unable or unwilling to trust? Where is the peace in that? Without a peace of mind, there is nothing.

An acquaintance is in the midst of some drama with her husband who returned from a guy's weekend hurling accusations of lying and emotional indiscretions. Seriously, I have little tolerance of such crap. My husband and I have an understanding, a mutual trust. I'm not going to fore go fun because you don't trust me. Bounce. Be out. Don't holler back. I'm a GAW. Believe what you want to believe. I shall not dignify insanity with a response. I am not responsible for any one's insecurities or shortcomings. How 'bout that?

That's all I have to say about that.

The Unnatural Disaster

It is impossible to visit any news site, read any newspaper, or sit in any shop without encountering at least one conversation about the financial crisis. People are discussing it as though it formed out of thin air. No one is willing to acknowledge their culpability in this. Ignorance is no excuse for many of those who benefited for they were well informed of the risks of playing the housing market. Flippers multiplied like fleas and everyone was taking their slice of American Pie. The banks are certainly complicit in this debacle. Every day became Christmas for even those with sub par credit. The Federal Reserve even joined in and "made it rain" like Lil Wayne dropping interest rates like they were hot. Where is Alan Greenspan now? Who is that you ask? Well instead of following Obama as if he is the messiah, perhaps it would better serve you to become more acquainted with the powers controlling the money. Now, poor Ben Bernanke has inherited a mess not entirely of his making.

What is important now is where we go from here? What lessons have we learned? These are lessons we supposedly learned following The Great Depression. As Dave Ramsey says, "Cash is king." Yet, we continue to favor leverage or debt over reason. I predict, that we'll learn and exercise this lesson for a little while that is until our impulses once again override our sense of reason. We must acknowledge the fact that humans are very emotional beings. Though we would like to believe we act rationally, every action is the result of either a motivation or a barrier. This financial mess has been motivated by a need to belong, a need to feel like a successful person, the kind of father or mother that can "do it big"--this culture of materialism.

My greatest sympathies go to the already disadvantaged and disenfranchised who will be further pushed into the oblivion of socio-economic despair by more stringent lending practices. These practices would be good for all if an educational and economic framework existed which imparted the wisdom of financial management. However, with a multi-billion dollar war and now a multi-billion dollar bail out, where are we to get the money for that?

Back to ER

I've been a Grey's Anatomy fan from the beginning. I have long favored it over that horrible day time soap opera Desperate Housewives. However, this season premiere has been awful. It isn't over yet, but I don't see any salvation in the final seven minutes. I mean, seriously, Kristina with an icicle in the abdomen? If that isn't the silliest mess I've seen in a long time. I mean, I expect such idiocy from Nip Tuck (which I love), you just have certain expectations.
Three older wives in a limo wreck and their husbands in a separate limo wreck. That plot was a train wreck. It was too convoluted to develop any connections with these people. This ranks as one of the most horrible episodes, except for the episode when Izzie operates on a deer. The doctors beg for trauma patients? WTF!
ER was my favorite medical drama for a long time and Noah Wylie is returning and Angela Bassett will now be a cast member. It looks like it is back to ER for me unless Grey's gets back to its core. Paging Dr. Burke!

Atlanta's Traffic

Everyone is familiar with how horrific ATL traffic is. Few people really know why. Please allow me to enlighten you. The drivers are complete imbeciles. This morning in route to work, I was provided a classic example. Now, in most cities, and I'd like to think they were taught this here, everyone knows that when the light is green and you are turning right, you have the right of way. Well, the idiots here, yield for everyone, including the oncoming traffic which is turning left. IDIOTS! Left turners without the green arrow are supposed to yield to oncoming traffic which includes traffic turning right. Oh, no, these brain children stop and wait for everyone to turn left even when the other lanes continue to pass through the green light, as they should.

This morning some twit did this in front of me. There we sat at the green light waiting for all the left turners, who did not have the green arrow any longer (obviously because we had a green light), I lay on the horn. The dumb heifer still sat there. That is just one of the traffic laws to which Georgians are oblivious. They also do not know how to approach four way stop intersections. They just sit and wait. They do not know what yield means; they apparently think it is Mandarin for stop.

I asked some native Georgians why they are complete idiots on the road. Their response, "We are just courteous." Excuse me! You call nearly killing me or others in a possible head on collision while you stop instead of completing your turn and traffic is still coming in two lanes to your left and waiting behind you, courtesy. Keep your courtesy and your pending charge as an accessory to second degree homicide. Learn the rules of the road and by all means implement them in your daily travels.

School Fundraisers

Enough already! We are only nine weeks into the school year and our children's school has had no fewer than nine fundraisers. Each week in each of the children's homework folders, we receive a slew of fundraiser related papers. New fundraiser, SAVE the TREES and stop using all of this paper. Oh and by the way, save money by not using so much paper, ink, and manpower to harass parents into harassing others. Save my sanity. I am unable to keep up with what I'm peddling. I'll soon committ the error of trying to sell Avon to a male co-worker.

I was warned about this from other parents whose children are older. One mother says that she writes a check to her children's school at the beginning of each year with the promise that she will not be badgered with the fundraisers. I'm just about there. They beat you over the head with it. No wonder aptitude is on life support. The teachers have become professional fundraisers instead of instructors. They could easily use these skills to become directors at non-profits.

Last Wednesday alone, there were three fundraiser solicitations in each of the children's folders. So I received six in one day. Oh no, there is no multi-child forgiveness. You are expected to raise twice as much. This is insane. We have certainly lost focus here. Amazingly, prior to Board vs BOE, when Negro schools had next to nothing, they made learning happen. What happened to that ingenuity, that making a dollar out of $.50?

Well, at least they are not begging. These are legitimate fundraisers which if nothing else, will teach our children about the grind. There is nothing more distasteful to me (with regard to fundraisers) than to see children on corners with buckets begging for money. Wash my car, sell me a Snickers or something. Begging sends the wrong message. Well, all of this fundraising sends a clear and resounding message of our misplaced priorities. Billions of dollars for war and $2.00 and a Snicker for education.

BTW, if you have any Box Tops for Education or Campbell's Soup labels, holler at your girl. No seriously. Oh and stop by the Chick Fil A in GA on Thursdays; send me your receipt. No, seriously.

Tupac & the Overrated Blender Magazine

First, if you know me, you know I LOVE Tupac. He is the first, the last, the everything. Period. Blender, some okiedoke magazine, in a move to sell copies and get internet hits I'm sure, had the audacity to list Tupac as the most overrated rapper. Are you kidding me? Perhaps they have not truly listened to his music. Perhaps they are only familiar with the media's portrayal or the legend and not the man. Surely that is it. He was a poet, an activist for social and political justice, and a man facing the extreme challenge of public persecution.

If any rapper is overrated it is Jay Z from whom I've never heard an original rhyme. Everything he says Biggie or in the case of Bonnie & Clyde, Tupac said first. Nevertheless, I'm no hater. Even Jay Z deserves credit for massive cross over and pop appeal. Still, Tupac challenged thinking. He was one of the first celebrities to publicly and vehemently attack law enforcement for its unjust treatment of black males. He wrote and rhymed honestly about the tribulations of the black male without a father, the child of an addicted mother, the plight of the impoverished. This is the man who was the first rapper to command both film and the airwaves. Though I didn't particularly care for the movie, his portrayal of a psychopath in Juice has been critically acclaimed. He quotes Julius Caesar in his music. You mean to tell me a man of this intellect is overrated, particularly in a genre of bling this, bling that, Benz this, etc.

Clearly Blender is speaking of its own pitiful excuse for a publication when it says overrated. That garbage isn't fit to line the cages at one of Michael Vick's dog fights. Blender is just trying to create controversy to attract readers for its unread trash. Tupac asks on disc one of All Eyez on Me, "Does a bear s&^% in the woods and wipe its a&& with a fluffy white rabbit?" It is now obvious that the bear uses blender.

Grammar Lesson

If I hear one more imbecile use myself incorrectly I'll lose it. So many idiots really believe that they demonstrating their intelligence when they use the word myself as a subjective pronoun. The rule is simple. If the word myself is not used to intensify a properly used noun or pronoun, or to reflect one, it is being used incorrectly. Let me simplify this. You, hopefully, wouldn't say, "Myself walked to the store". Therefore, it is equally inappropriate to say, "Sam and myself walked to the store." Yet, seemingly intelligent people say this everyday. I've corrected my manager and other managers several times when using this grammar faux pas. Nonetheless, these simpletons, many "Ivy League" educated lack the discernment to grasp this simple concept.

Unfortunately, this isn't the only egregious act committed against grammar. Many people seem to have difficulty with subject-verb agreement. If I read one more newspaper headline with the words "One in Five Men Are...", I'll scream. Again, this is simple. One is the subject; in five men is the prepositional phrase which is not to be considered with respect to verb choice. Here is another example. "The couple were...", this too is incorrect because any group (e.g. team, quartet, Congress) functions as a singular subject and therefore requires a singular verb. Although many scientific texts will use data in a similar fashion, I must disagree with those as well. Data, by definition, is a collective group of information; and because it is a group, should function as a singular subject.

I agree with my mother, this all goes back to education, particularly, the fact that sentence diagramming is no longer performed in grade school. Grammar is not taught in school. Literature is favored in hopes that children will acquire grammar knowledge by reading. It doesn't get more backwards than this folks. This is like teaching algebra to first graders before introducing the basic concepts of math. No wonder other nations outperform us.

John McCain

Yesterday I referred to Mr. McCain as the Crypt Keeper. I owe him an apology. I had no right to insult the Crypt Keeper like that. The Crypt Keeper has more personality in its eye socket than McCain has in his entire body. That weird and uncomfortable laugh, stiff back and neck, those little arms, and that comb over (well, sorry Mr. Crypt Keeper, you all have that in common) just scream some dirty old out of touch man. I should have called him Uncle Fester or Herman Munster or some diminutive mutation of the two. He really looks like he has been resuscitated before each speech via a defibrillator. His awkwardness reminds me of Robert Deniro in Awakenings. Essentially I am saying that he epitomizes the creepy uncle who seems otherwise comatose except for those occasional outbursts of excitement.

Well, I really tried to watch him tonight and just couldn't do it. He bored me to tears. His speech must have been written by a third grader. It was full of awkward pauses and even more uncomfortable smiles and the characteristic stiffness. Was there no chiropractor available or doctor with a cortisone injection? Dude is just too old to eat solid food much less run a country. Seriously though, this isn't just about his age. This is about his nearsightedness and lack of a social conscience. He called "education the new civil right's movement", yet, he follows this remark with more rhetoric and allusions to vouchers and school choice. What about fixing the fundamental problems of the schools and raising standards. His "solution" would only worsen the current problems and widen the gap between the haves and the have nots.

This is the dilemma I always encounter--all of these extremes. I am certainly not liberal. They believe in too much leniency, too many excuses, no accountability. Too many religious whack jobs cling to the conservative base and have perverted it into their judgmental caravan, but at least they stand for somethings usually unequivocally.

Either way, politicians by and large are egotistical power hungry narcissists. I'm still looking for Citizen Change.

Sarah Palin

What can I say? I love her. McCain looks like the Crypt Keeper and I'm really not feeling him. He seems so insincere. However, Palin is so refreshing. It is so pleasing to have a strong woman support the lives of babies. This is such an important issue for me, perhaps the most important. The media's infatuation with her teenage daughter's pregnancy is so tasteless. I concur with Obama that this is a family matter. Moreover, this is demonstrative of a young woman assuming responsibility for her actions. A colleague of mine even said it was horrible for her mother to "force marriage" upon her. What? Who says this marriage is forced? So what if it is? What makes it her business or my business for that matter? Further, why is it that so many people assume young marriages fail? I've been married since I was 22 and we have outlasted many people who were married at older ages. My husband is the product of a teenage pregnancy and guess what, his parents married and are still married to this day. My husband is in his 30s! My best friend's parents married at 19 and guess what, they are still married. So naysayers, guess what, sometimes good things do come out of "challenging situations" to borrow the words of Mrs. Palin.
I also admire Palin's courage and integrity in caring for her youngest son who has down syndrome. So many cowards would have killed this child for lacking their idea of perfection. I really find it quite disturbing and less than intelligent for people to stick strictly to party lines without implementing intuitive faculty to discern real issues. The real issue here is this woman has a real family with real challenges. They have addressed these with dignity and without the hypocrisy of so many others who say they support values and yet sneak to commit immoral acts in times of challenge. So to Mrs. Palin, I say congratulations, you have revived this dead campaign. You are not saying what you think other's want to hear or trying to appease everyone. Do your thing girl.

I received this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of my favorites, and it seems fitting here.

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting – a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beauty is everywhere, all around an in each one of us. Yet where do we put our attention? On what we have decided is “wrong?” On what we think needs to be “fixed?” There is beauty in these things, too – if we would only look for it. There is a lesson, a gift, a treasure to be found in every situation and circumstance. We can acknowledge it or turn away from it – but it is there nonetheless. -Lissa Coffey

My Family

There is no shortage of quotes on cherishing family. I just hope they do not fall upon deaf ears. It is common for people to dream of perfection when it comes to their future families. Usually that perfection includes a place for everything and everyone and everything and everyone a place. I sit and I look around my home with the children's artwork everywhere, my husband sprawled across the love seat, and the natives, well restless as usual, and I know that I have perfection. How many people get a genuine laugh everyday courtesy of a five and six years old? Everyday, I hear I love you as sincere as can be. It is easier than I would like to admit, to take for granted each of these little moments--my daughter's musings about her latest robot sketches, my son's intensity about race cars. So many shallow minded adults think of these moments as nuisances. The could not be more wrong. The innocence and excitement of children are characteristics to which we should all aspire. I wish I could be so lucky to approach each day with such curiosity and adoration for what is new. Yet, I am so fortunate to experience it through the eyes of my children.

So, I take this moment, to go on record to the world with my gratitude to my children for honoring me with a front seat on their remarkable journey. I just hope that I never impede their joy or their dreams. I hope that I am always supportive of all the good that they will do. As they sleep now, I hope visions of sugar plums are dancing in their heads.

Memphis in 20/20

I'm not certain whether I am more ashamed or shocked to be from Memphis right now. ABC News' 20/20 just featured a story on the astronomical infant death rate in Memphis, a infant mortality rate that rivals developing nations. Am I surprised? Certainly not. I am saddened, however. I've long told people about the troubles in Memphis. Sadly, many of those to whom I've spoken live there. Many of my white acquaintances are deeply ignorant of the perils that exist 20 miles from their pristine neighborhoods in Germantown and Collierville. When I would tell them that Memphis is the most polarized city I've ever seen, I am met with shock and awe. "Surely, you must be mistaken", they say. It is laughable really. Deep in their psyche, they are well aware of the poverty and despair, but because the issues that come with poverty do not reach their homes, they do not care. As the feature divulged, Memphis' crime rate is second only to Detroit. However, the wealthy suburb of Germantown has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Further, DeSoto County, MS, also a major suburb to Memphis has an extremely low crime rate as well. A murder in Olive Branch, MS, which is located in DeSoto County, is the thud heard around the world.

I am quite perturbed that the feature did not discuss breastfeeding as a means of reducing infant mortality. That simple act alone would reduce infant mortality significantly according to WHO. Nonetheless, much of the problem in Memphis begins far before birth, even before pregnancy. Health literacy in Memphis and many other southern cities is nearly non-existent. The young woman, Precious, who is the primary figure of the feature, is a prime example. It seems that the powers that be like Memphis this way. They sorry excuse for a mayor, Willie Herenton, didn't even dignify the story with a letter or his cratered face. His representative, Sara Lewis, did all to shift responsibility from city government in addressing this issue. This is an utter embarrassment. This is nothing new. At my junior high school, an optional school I should add (i.e. one with programs for exceptional students), there were several young ladies who had given birth or had abortions before the ninth grade. Of the 12 girls with whom I used to hang, five were mothers by the tenth grade. Only one of them had a father in the household. That is certainly part of the problem. Much of it stems from a greater social problem which is perpetuated by government and citizens. Blacks are just as culpable as whites in this situation. Many well to do blacks abandoned the inner city and never looked back, this is especially common among those who attended the inner city schools and benefited greatly from those experiences. Nonetheless, as they prospered, they somehow developed the concept that their children were too good to sit in a classroom with someone who is poor or worse, poor and black. Ultimately, however, each parent is responsible for his/her own child/children.

There is one other entity, nevertheless, which should bear the brunt of criticism in Memphis--the black church. There literally is a church on every corner in Memphis. Memphis is home to the freakish COGIC (Church of God in Christ). I was proud, as I was reared in the Presbyterian tradition, to see Hope Presbyterian take a stand in addressing the infant mortality rate. I have attended this church and it is indeed a church in the truest regard. The black churches in Memphis should be brought up on charges of grand larceny. Where was Bountiful Blessings? The former pastor's widow receives $27,000/month from the congregation, yet, they do nothing to address the infant mortality rate for their very members. Greater Imani, New Direction, World Overcomers, Mississippi Blvd, New Salem---these are all large churches receiving exorbitant "tithes" and yet do very little if anything to really address these major issues. Hope is not the only white church which has established a base in impoverished communities. There is another white church in Memphis, Christ United Methodist, which has encouraged its members to purchase and move into houses in the Binghampton community as a means of bringing and sustaining change. Where are you black church? Too busy taking collections so your pastors can drive big body Benz's and have ghetto fabulous weddings with 20 bridesmaids dressed in leather (Google that fiasco if you haven't seen the pictures). Why black people still go to church, particularly these, behooves me. Do you really think these places will save your souls when they won't even try to save the lives of your infants?

There are some who do good there. Dr. Melrose Blackett is an OB/GYN who works diligently with black women in Memphis, providing prenatal care and weight management classes to improve underlying health issues. I'm sure there are many others.

I'm going to Hope when I next visit Memphis and placing money in their collection plate. That is my contribution, though minor, to this problem. Until then, I'll be mobilizing the citizens who remain there to demand change and continuing my promotion of breastfeeding.

Pushing the Envelope

If you know me, you know I'm no stranger to bucking the system. I admittedly have a problem with authority. My problem is not with all authority; my problem is with irrational authority. I also have a problem with those who voice their disdain for authority with figures and groups unable to bring about change. At work, at school, with government--it never fails to be some stupid or simply outdated rule or procedure that people follow simply to avoid confrontation. In the meantime, they are all stressed and spend excessive time complaining instead of working towards change.

Well, that just isn't my nature, but this time, I might have taken it too far. I believe strongly in principle and integrity. Too often the status quo continues because of fear and a lack of principle and integrity. Many knew that slavery was wrong, but looked the other way and did nothing. I have more contempt for these people than slave owners. I have more respect for anyone when they have a position. At least I know where they stand.

I've been engaged in a battle of principle with one of my professors. He did not provide his grading policy on the syllabus and provided an ambiguous guidline for minimum standards. After speaking with him and asking for policy specifics, he either could not or would not provide them. I even followed our conversation with an email to which I have yet to receive a response. Thus, I contacted appropriate personnel at the university in an attempt to find resolution or at the very least a mediator. They have demonstrated a great deal of ineptitude as well. The university informed me that the grading policy is the sole discretion of each instructor and providing a numerical explanation is not required. Needless to say, this is an incident which necessitated pushing the envelope of "acceptable limits". I found this response to be at the very least distasteful and outright unacceptable and I said such to the academic chair. Have I gone too far? Have I risked my grade in this class or worse my reputation in the program? Possibly, but I stand firm on principle and simply doing the right thing. With regard to this situation, my professor owes me the common courtesy of responding to my email. The academic chair agreed with this. Furthermore, I am owed an explanation of any and everything affecting my degree and ultimately my professional endeavors. However, I am not supported on this half of my issue. Nonetheless, I shall continue to push the envelope, buck the system, or whatever you would like to call it. I call it character and thank the Creator I have the gumption to speak my mind while others wallow in frustration and complacency.

Friendship vs Honesty?

How honest are we with our friends? Do we always exercise honesty or do we lie to our friends? Do we lie through omission or just outright? I have several close friends and I like to think that I am honest with each of them. I like to think that my behavior is consistent. This blog topic came to mind during a conversation with a friend. It involves a friend of this friend so please try to keep up. My friend Lisa* has a friend named Emily* who is separated from her husband and in the process of divorcing him. Emily and her husband have two children. Emily has a new boyfriend with whom she spends 90% of her time. She will drop her children off with friends and family to spend time with him even missing their open houses to do so. The boyfriend does not make himself as available to her. Last night, she didn't hear from him at all, though she waited by the phone. Then out of the blue he calls her today (a night when she has her children) as though nothing was wrong and asks her to spend the night with him. So, Emily calls Lisa to ask if she should spend time with her boyfriend along with the children instead of quality time with just the children. Lisa, sharing all of this with me, says that she didn't want to seem judgmental to Emily and declined to tell her that her children should be her priority. Lisa only told her to not spend time with the boyfriend so that "he can see how it feels to be ignored for a day." WTF!!! Now, Lisa tells me that she really wants to tell Emily that she should be more devoted to her children especially since she has only been separated from their father for two months.

So why didn't she? Are we compelled to be more concerned with our friends feelings than telling them the truth? Is that true friendship? As a friend to Lisa (I've never met Emily), I told her that she should have told her the truth, that she is a mother and her children should come first, particularly in a time during which their parents are in divorce proceedings. Yet, Lisa feels strongly that she would be overstepping her bounds by doing so. I couldn't disagree more especially since Emily solicited the advice. All of this has forced me to examine my truthfulness with my friends. Have I ever been less than forthcoming to spare someone's feelings? I'd certainly be disappointed if this were true. So, let's see. (*names changed as story contains identifiable details involving children & a pending legal case.)

One friend, with whom I am consistently honest, is Nikki. We are always honest with each other, but then, neither of us wears our feelings on our shoulders. I think I'm honest with my friend Jocelyn as well, though perhaps not as timely as I should have been in certain situations. I'm certainly honest with Cam & Damita--probably even hurt Cam's feelings before, but that was not my intention. I'm honest with Torri and Keisha too and all of my friendships are the better for it...aren't they? Or are there things that my friends don't say to me? Based on my experiences that is likely, except with Nikki who is just straight no chaser. Now that I think about it, there are things that have gone unsaid, because saying them is not necessary and the advice unsolicited. Ultimately, however, you can rest assured that if you are my friend, you know where I stand, and it is on truth. If our friendship is unable to sustain it, then are we really friends in the first place?

I Have Converted...

to anti corporal punishment in our home. Truth be told, I came to this conclusion some time ago after reading an article in Parenting Magazine which highlights a study conducted as to which characteristics are most common among parents who spank. They were (and I do not recall the order): being baptist, being black, being southern, and being of a lower socio-economic status. Well, I'm certainly a southern girl. My race is debatable (because race does not biologically exist nor is my hue actually black though I'll use it from time to time to keep it simple--a topic for another post). I'm certainly not baptist (don't subscribe to religion at all, again another time another post). I'm not of a lower socio-economic status, at least I didn't think I was before the dollar started losing value. Perhaps I'll win my petition to be paid in Euros at work, but I digress.

I've never been an avid spanker. I would tap the children's hands when they placed themselves in precarious situations. My mother never spanked me; though my grandmother got me twice. So I'm one of apparently the few people of color who has no perception of extension cords, switches, etc. I'd say I'm the better for it. So anyway, I'm reading this article and suddenly a light comes on and it clicks...the connection between whipping/spanking and slavery. Then I start conjecturing all of these hypotheses that blacks (just an easier term for laymen) remain inferior because of their clinging to rituals of slavery. Moreover, that we hold our children as slaves and reduce their free thinking, positive risk taking, and courage by replacing it with fear. To allude to Dubois, a black man will carve a back door in a dwelling if none exists for he knows it is his place to remain in an inferior position. So, I believe that whippings in many ways perpetuate this.

Now, it is one thing to conceptualize an idea or belief; it is a mutually exclusive endeavor to practice, truly, one's beliefs (just think about how superstitious blacks are, yet they claim to believe in Xianity). So now I arrive at that point of truly merging my belief with my practice. I refrained from all spanking a year and a half ago, opting to use the corner. My husband has not adopted my perception and does not practice it. Though spanking is a last resort. Well, the other day, one of the children arrived at that resort and I was in the kitchen--within eye and earshot of the punishment. It really hurt me to my core. For the first time, I was able to completely conceptualize and internalize my belief. It had come full circle. I only saw fear resonate from within my child and a willingness to acquiesce simply to arrive at peace. I saw Kunta as his new name was beaten into his facade, never into his soul. However, how is the typical child able to withstand the penetration of fear into the soul? How is the average child able to inhibit fear from passing the surface with the thought of continuing to persevere without fear? I don't think the goal of punishment, at least for me, is submission. It is to impart self control, wisdom, and intellect. It is to challenge my children to display their fervor through productive outlets creatively instead of destructively. Thus, I pledge to do as my mother has with me. I plan to guide our children in the more appropriate direction while respecting their individuality and more importantly their spirts. I don't ever want to be responsible for inadvertently perpetuating fear and intimidation. I want fearless zealots. So, I pledge to my progenies to continue seeking alternatives to corporal punishment. More specifically, I pledge to implement cerebral enhancements.

The N word

I have so tired of this debate. It seems to never end. This happens to be one of those topics on which my husband and I disagree. I'm sure you all are aware of the perpetually unfolding Jesse Jackson debacle. It has led to more conversations on the morning show circuit regarding the infamous N word. None seems to have been as heated as The View's conversation in which one of the hostesses breaks into tears.

First, whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? My mother always says you can't control what people think or say about you so why waste the energy. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't care less who says the N word white, black, Chinese, or Sudanese. It is a word. I could care less about its inherent meaning, its history, or its intracultural meaning. Again, it is a word. If a white person says it to me in an endearing or deragatory manner, it doesn't matter. I'm sure people have called me far worse names and guess what, my heart hasn't skipped a beat, I haven't lost one wink of sleep and I'll continue this way until I die of something which is actually deadly.

As I said earlier, my husband disagrees. He, as does apparently Whoopi, believes that it is acceptable or rather appropriate for blacks to use this word among themselves. Hmm, I wonder if he and his cohorts feel the same if a Latin American uses it, but I digress. I strongly believe that it is irresponsible to make attempts to have it both ways. Either it's a bad word or it isn't. I wasn't taught that the F word is a good word when adults use it. It is and always has been a bad word. Why can't blacks accept accountability for using a bad word or release it as a newly ordained good word?

This is no different than the Imus alleged outrage. Each and every one of you knows that you have called someone a nappy headed garden tool. Heck, many of you called the Rutger's female basketball team that before, during, and after the alleged insult. You are still using that term or a similar one to refer to people now. How can you have a problem with one person saying it and not another? That speaks to some serious integrity issues.

It is what it is. Or perhaps Bill Clinton said it best, "It depends on what the word is is."

Hair & Money

I've had this conversation with my girlfriends before. I am unable to grasp why women, particularly women with money and power seem to care not for the appearance of their hair (Oprah excluded). This is not exclusive to the wealthy. There are several women that I know rather well who leave their homes looking like who did it and why. Trifling is the word commonly used in social circles of color. I am refraining from being more specific as I truly value these relationships and I've learned that women wear their feelings on their hair.

A fellow co-worker lives near me and is also a client of my hair care professional. We were discussing what cut backs we were making in our lives due to higher prices for goods and services. More specifically, we were having this conversation because we live about 35 miles from the salon. We both agreed (because we faithfully visit the shop every 1-2 weeks) that our hair appointments would be the last to go. I've considered cutting back on meals because my hair care is a necessity not a luxury.

What I'm unable to fathom is why most if not all women do not feel this way. There are some women with whom I'm very close, who couldn't care less about their hair. Getting it done only for touch-ups is the norm. WTF!! Are you kidding me? Then they wonder why it looks a mess, proclaiming we have different kinds of hair. Sloppy pony tails, three inches of split ends, and all sorts of damage on the heads of women driving Mercedes and carrying $800 purses. Like my mother says, "Bad hair can ruin the baddest outfit." I couldn't agree more. Please help me understand. I also have another conundrum involving this bad hair affair. Why are women more loyal to length than healthy hair? Everyday I see women with six or seven strands of hair down their back while the rest is "ate out" in the words of my stylist. Why? Why? These women are never admired except by other women with the same "ate out" look. I am much more complimentary of a cute pixie cut or tight bob than some ragged mop. Yet women can't seem to break the hair affair.

Let's take Condoleezza Rice for example. Granted, she has improved since first emerging on the political scene, but homegirl is still rocking what appears to be a press and curl. Seriously, we learned a decade ago that grease is not necessary to straighten nappy roots. Is she still going to her childhood stylist? There is also Gayle King who is clearly wigging or weaving out. I love good wigs and give props to any woman rocking a tight weave, but Gayle's is just heavy and artificial looking. Is not the point to look authentic?

Also, why do women rock the same style for decades? You know who you are. As the rule says, if you haven't been complimented on your hair in the last six months; it is time for a change. I have an idea of the root of one of these problems. There are those of you out there who compliment all women with long hair even when it looks a hot mess. It could be split root to tip, fried, dyed, and laid to the side, but as long as it has length, you'd compliment. Please stop now. These women look haggardly. Perhaps it goes back to that old adage, "misery loves company". Well at least my girls: TL, VM, JD, CR, and VA are right by the head. I wouldn't hang with them if it were any other way.

Bert & Ernie

Okay, my husband's favorite Sesame Street characters as a child were Bert & Ernie. The suggestions that the two were an item have become fervent pop culture rumors. Well, my husband has recently acquired a rather annoying habit of watching Family Guy reruns. The lacking television summer line up has apparently taken its hold--that combined with his injured foot (at least this is his excuse for suspending our jogging regimine). So the other day, Family Guy featured a Bert & Ernie sketch that my husband DVR'd (is that a word?) because he just had to share it with me. In the sketch, Bert & Ernie are sharing one bed, naked, and Bert gets out of the bed and Ernie says "Bert, you told me you were going to stop drinking." My husband rolls on the floor in laughter. Apparently, I'm missing something. It just wasn't funny to me. I never gave much thought to Bert or Ernie's sexual orientation or any other of Jim Henson's characters.

My husband has a penchant for primetime cartoons (The Simpsons & King of the Hill) and perhaps it was nostalgic to see the union of a childhood favorite with a newer one. At any rate, no real rhyme or reason to this post other than to solicit opinions about Bert & Ernie because I just didn't get it. Oscar the Grouch was my favorite Sesame Street character so I imagine I would get it if it were Oscar.

Calling Names

Believe me when I tell you, I am in staunch opposition to any and everyone who chooses to burden their child with what I call a ghetto name. Perhaps the PC terminology for such a name would be a socio-economically identifiable name. Please do not misunderstand or misconstrue my point. I am completely in favor of individuality and uniqueness. Further, I am a proponent of ethnic and culturally distinct names, that is when they truly have meaning and some connection with cultural ancestry and ancestry does not include the tendencies of the last thirty years to go straight “hood” when selecting a name for your offspring. This has long been my opinion, in strong opposition to my husband who has long told me that I am just supercilious. Of course I denied such hurtful and unjustifiable allegations until recently. Last month, I had an epiphany. I was in the company of some women who have very urban tendencies in dress, speech, hair styles, and behavior. I have long argued with my husband that these people must know that they look and are perceived in a certain light which to much of America is considered ghetto. Of course, he always countered with this is all that they know and that to them there is nothing wrong with their behavior or style. For years I ignored his rants until last month when I was alone with some of these people and for whatever reason unarmored with my TRUTH and social responsibility. As I sat and listened, more observant than judgmental, I witnessed the phenomenon of unabashed ignorance in play. There was one little girl the same age as my daughter and the ladies complimented her mother’s hair styling technique, which in my eyes and my conditioning was excessively adorned with various colors of barrettes none of which matched her red and white clothing. I was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. I was ashamed of my own ignorance. In my mind I questioned them first. Why had they not complimented on my daughter’s hair? After all, she had only one color of barrettes which matched the hair balls and her clothing and the maximum four pony tails. My first thought, jealousy; and truth be told, I still feel that there was indeed a tinge of that present. Then, I began to question myself. Could I have been wrong all of these years? Had these people not seen Clair Huxtable? Moreover, had they not encountered women like her or the children like Rudy and Olivia from the Cosby show? Then it struck me; they hadn’t. They watch the “Parkers” and shows like them which I detest. They just didn’t know any better and neither did I of their world. So now you ask, what does this have to do with the socio-economically identifying names that you mentioned at the beginning of your op-ed? Further, what names are these and what makes them socio-economically identifiable? Well, this was the moment of clarity for me that lead me to a deeper understanding of what motivates people of lower socio-economic backgrounds to engage in such behavior. I believe that this phenomenon is for the most part exclusive to those of lower socio-economic status, hence, I use the term socio-economically identifiable because most of the Keishas, Tanishas, LaQuindrinicas, DeMarios, LaQuandres, and the like are from poorer backgrounds.

Even so, it is time for me to cease the name calling and start listening. There is a great deal of power in naming and name calling. When you bring a child into this world the moment is both humbling and empowering. What you do at that moment gives direction for the rest of your child’s life. Not very long ago, our ancestors were stripped of our own names, history, culture, and the right of naming our progenies. So I asked myself, “is this the backlash?” Are we rebelling sub-consciously and irrationally? My background in consumer psychology screams yes. Further, I see correlation in other behaviors of the socio-economically deprived, such as in the clothing and hair styling. The under-privileged are destitute of money, status, and power. However, there is that single moment, that creativity inspiring event of bestowing a name upon your offspring that ignites something within the poor that unfortunately threatens to relegate your child to a life time of struggle and deprivation. These are the names with hyphenation, accent marks, and case combinations. They are often extremely multi-syllabic and puzzling to even the most seasoned educators. Now, I am not speaking of the Samirahs, the Jabrils, Jamals, or the Kelanis. This is about the Quantinnettes, Shunnekitas, Quindrinicus, and LaQuans. I know that some of you reading this are just like my husband and you believe that I am arrogant or like some say about Bill Cosby’s opinions on the same topic, out of touch. Perhaps, but I also confront such attacks with the same notion that these parents too, are out of touch and even arrogantly ghetto fabulous. Recent studies have shown that regardless of education and qualifications, resumes with these names are often tossed aside in favor of Jennifer, Kelly, Jason, or Brandon. Is it right? Of course not. Is it legal? Well, it is definitely discriminatory, but the burden of proving discrimination like the burden of those names is tremendous.

I believe in the freedom of speech and privacy. However, I challenge these parents to think long and hard of the ramifications of these names on not only their child’s school years, but their professions, lives, and the well being of their children’s offspring. I have acquaintances and best friends with these names. Each of them has on numerous occasions encountered various struggles and unintentional name calling. Nonetheless, they persevere. I applaud them, for I am busy fighting the other battles of being a black female in America. We, gave our daughter a Hawaiian name, but with only two syllables and gave our son a European inspired name, but with an atypical spelling. So, I obviously believe in creativity and freedom, but with forethought when it comes to names. I have suggested a hospital board comprised of teachers, who after all will have the awesome task of pronouncing these names daily when these children enter school, This board would accept and reject name submissions of new parents. I propose that the names must be accepted before approving the birth certificate. I know the ACLU would come gunning for me, but this is my idea. Again, my husband says, I just don’t get it. Nonetheless, I have learned something about the prevalence of ignorance within our culture and more importantly, within me. So, I argue that this may be a result of the powerless, rebelling against the power structure or more simply stated, a struggle for identity, worth, and recognition. Naming is a privilege and an honor, not simply a right.

2008 The Year of the Black Man?

Of course I must begin this piece with the black man of 2008, Barack Obama. Seriously, who'da thunk? I certainly did not expect him to make it this far. I was a classic pessimist, perpetuating the hum-drum thoughts common in social circles of color, "I shall not see a black president in my lifetime." Now, however, it seems plausible, even palpable, I can almost smell it and it smells like sweat. Not just any sweat, not funky locker room sweat, but the malodorous smell of a long and hard fought race. This is not just any race, this is a race that is not even matched by the endurance of our Kenyan brothers in marathons. It supercedes triathletes. This is a race that began on the banks of the Nile millenia ago and has culminated into the events that are unfolding today. From the pinnacle of civilization to the bowels of despair, black men have endured. This is a race only for the fittest. So I ask again, "Is this the year of the black man?" Is he returning to his throne?

Because of my interests in history and politics, I shouldn't be surprised at the possibility or the prospect. The short lived triumphs of Hiram Revels & BS Pinchback suggest greater potential. Further, they demonstrate the potency of hope and slaying of cynicism. Perhaps this is the answer to Hughes' haunting question, "What happens to a dream deferred?" I propose that each of his answers is correct. The dream of the black man has dried like a raisin, festered like a sore, stunk, crusted over, sagged, and exploded. See, it is not a simple dream. It is not a fixed goal. It is a dynamic paradox. It is giving visibility to Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man. It is giving him flesh and bone, nerves and tendons, intuitive faculty, compassion, a soul. Yet, it is a step towards the invisibility of color.

I am certainly not an Obama presidential candidate supporter, and even less of a liberal. Yet, in a perplexing, but nonetheless magnetic attraction, I support what his journey--rocky and winding--symbolizes for our black boys. It is a road covered by brush, littered with violence, fogged by litanies of self-mutilations by so-called artists of music, and washed away by feminism's assault on the family. It is the nation, collectively saying, we acknowledge your sacrifice, your committment, and our debt--your forty acres and a mule. At least, this is what it could be.

Now I propose that this may be the year of the black man not only because of Mr. Obama. I submit this proposal for The Big Three (i.e. Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, & Ray Allen) of the Boston Celtics, for winning a championship in and for a town with a long history of discrimination. I submit this proposal on behalf of Nelson Mandela, whom today celebrates his 90th birthday. I submit this proposal for Kofi Anan, former UN Chief, who despite purported corruption, maintains dignity in the fight for universal justice. I submit this proposal for Will Smith, who is arguably the most likeable and profitable actor in the world, and despite what some may think, for Clarence Thomas who represents autonomous thinking in a society that thinks that a black judge should put hue before objectivity.

And on a much more shameful note...I submit this in befuddlement and disappointment in R. Kelly's acquittal, which nonetheless begs the question, "Is 2008 the year of the black man...escaping justice?"

If this is indeed your year. Shine on black man, shine on.

Our Babies

Last Friday, I read an article on CBS News featuring one of the most horrific cases of child abuse about which I've ever read or heard. It is nothing less than sickening. Now the torture that this child endured is certainly dispicable. It is disconcerting. It literally brought me to tears and then I was incensed. This child's mother tortured and allowed her girlfriend and a third woman to repeatedly inflict pain and humiliation upon this child. A baby, a baby, a baby. I know that this case is of particular significance to me because my son is the same age. All I could envision was some pitiful excuse for a woman doing this to him. How could she?

I became so enraged, not so much because of what she did, but how long she was allowed to do it after being investigated for abusing the same child in 2005. Moreover, this child had been placed in the care of his grandmother and others who saw blatant signs of abuse, and yet told no one. The headline places the blame upon the system, however, I place blame upon citizens and family. What has become of us? How do we live with ourselves when we turn a blind eye to an abused child. The outrage following the discovery of Michael Vick's dog fighting ring was ten times more intense. That is an outright embarrassment. This is devolutionary. How does a society demonstrate more compassion for canines, vicious killer pitbulls to be specific, than it does for its own species, more importantly, the most vulnerable of its species?

I'm not letting the "system" off the hook. It certainly has significant responsibility in allowing the torture to continue for three years after the initial investigation. You should be a person of integrity, character, endurance, and extreme compassion to work in social services. Your moral compass should be so intact, so ferocious, that you could not treat an abuse case like a simple job. Where was the follow up? Why has this mother not been charged with attempted murder? Why aren't all people convicted of child abuse eligible for the death penalty?

The real issue here is not so much this one case. There have been cases even more grotesque.
I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Precious Doe case. Again, the perpetrators in the crime were those given the duty by the Creator to love and protect a child. The mother's boyfriend murdered her and dumped the body in 2001. Although relatives encountered the mother and the boyfriend several times without the child after the murder, no one came forward. The body was discovered and artist renderings were featured on national broadcasts, and yet, it took years for someone to come forward. Why? Why? Why?

In the US, children are no longer valued. When you tell someone that you have children, especially more than one, you are looked at as though you have a contagious skin eating disease. People have launched websites and businesses against and/or prohibiting children. Do you not realize that you were once a child? Someone exhibited patience with you. Someone took time to guide you. Since when did it become cool to dislike children? The abuse, the light punishments for abusers--are all symptoms of a greater social and psychological problem.

One has to only look at the reaction to R Kelly verdict to see it in operation or perhaps the other case last week in which a father stomped and beat his two year old to death in the middle of an intersection. I share all of this to say that we must protect our children. We must embrace our babies for the gifts that they are. Each of us has a responsibility in this village to protect our children. For the woman who placed the anonymous call to DHS that led to the arrest of Starkeisha Brown, we thank you. You saw injustice and were compelled to act. Thank you.

If you feel compelled:


Trust Fund Information for the abused boy
Donations or contributions for this child may be sent in care of:
Michael Wrice/DCFSThe Department of Children and Family Services
501 Shatto Place Room 301
Los Angeles, CA 90020
Please make checks payable to: DCFS/Trust Fund

Random Acts of Rudeness

Each day someone says something that exemplifies my grandmother's adage, "more nerve than sense". Though, I may not always display tact, I seldom fail to demonstrate good manners. I was reared to know that there are some things that you should not say. The best example of such a circumstance is that which my dear friend and partner in petiteness shared with me.

A coworker, with whom my friend had been working for over a year entered the work restroom at the same time as she. As my friend entered the stall, the coworker asked if her if she was a midget. Now if you know my friend, you can only imagine the expletives that spewed from her mouth. (One of my taller friends refers to this as a classic symptom of "Little Lady Disease".) I share this with you to ask, is this not rude? Is this not offensive? Further, is it also not offensive to state upon seeing someone, "You are short", ? Perhaps, rude is the wrong word, but stating the obvious certainly does not demonstrate astuteness or gentility.

Because I am petite and sweet, I get these comments often, usually at a second or third meeting when I am caught out of my requisite stilettos. I still fail to get the relevance. I can only attribute it to rudeness or perhaps projections of insecurities.

For those of you who can not resist the urge to inform me of my height, I must thank you. For were it not for you, I would continue shopping for tall clothing and then spending outrageous sums for hem alterations. Additionally, you have also given me the evidence needed by the DMV to have my height updated from 5'9". All of this due to a few deft, albeit, rude observers. The random acts of rudeness don't end there. There are always those exceptionally rude people who love to loudly announce the enormous acne cyst on your forehead. Yes, these are my favorite people. Thank you. I managed to put on mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, and blush without looking in the mirror today. Thus, I wouldn't have noticed it had I not encountered you.

Well, to counter these seemingly random acts of rudeness and restore balance to the world, I propose that we respond in kind. The next time you encounter one of these imbeciles, try this response. "Oh my, you're fat." Or perhaps, "You sure are ugly." "My your nose is large." There can't be double standards in rudeness. If calling attention to obvious traits is the best these people can muster, then I say, if you can't teach them [manners], insult them. Perhaps paying forward these random acts of rudeness will serve the world as much, if not more than random acts of kindness.

The Truth About Weddings

I shared the fact that I abhor weddings with a friend and she was shocked. I was shocked that she was shocked. This doesn't shock most of my friends as they fundamentally agree at their cores. Most are just afraid to offend. One of my good friends married and I thanked her for not asking me to be in it. She said she knew not to ask because I declined a relative's invitation to be in her wedding just a couple of months prior. She [the relative] was perturbed with me for months. I love my family and friends dearly, but I really loathe weddings. They symbolize too many themes and notions of insecurities, selfishness, and materialism. Brides typically demonstrate little if any regard for the finances, time, or committments of others all under the proclamation of the trite adage "It's MY day."

As for my wedding, I didn't want one and were it not for my husband, wouldn't have had one. Nonetheless, as my first act of pre-marital compromise, I surrendered to an intimate ceremony which lasted an appropriate 15 minutes (and started on time). I plan to beg my daughter not to indulge in a wedding, but if she does, it will be one of two that I'll attend (my son's included). I find weddings, in their contemporary forms to be boring fests of self absorption, over indulgence, excess, and waste. Why not invest the money? Perhaps a down payment for a home? A charitable contribution? Something with enduring presence is all that I ask. If one must have a wedding, I really prefer small intimate settings. The most beautiful wedding I can recall was that of John F Kennedy Jr & Caroline Bessette. It was a beautiful ceremony in a small SC church illuminated by candles. There were not 30 bridesmaids and groomsmen, no long winded singers--all the things that scream ostentatious. It was about the union of man and woman. That is beautiful. It was perfection, especially in light of their celebrity status and wealth. They chose each other instead of catering to the now traditional parade of psuedo wherewithal for others.


Regardless of what brides may like to believe, no one wants to attend your wedding except you and perhaps your mother. Guests, like at funerals, will always find something wrong. Contemporary weddings only serve as gossip among professional and family cliques alike. Even worse, they now become viral videos, emails, and comedic features on late night talk shows. I'm not all talk either. I have declined invitations to several weddings with this honest explanation. Some took offense, others appreciated my sincerity.

Please don't misconstrue my message. I love to witness ceremonial committment. I do not like delusions of grandeur posing as love. In this world of excess, less is truly more.

Please take a peak, others share my pain.

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