Thursday, August 28, 2008

My Family

There is no shortage of quotes on cherishing family. I just hope they do not fall upon deaf ears. It is common for people to dream of perfection when it comes to their future families. Usually that perfection includes a place for everything and everyone and everything and everyone a place. I sit and I look around my home with the children's artwork everywhere, my husband sprawled across the love seat, and the natives, well restless as usual, and I know that I have perfection. How many people get a genuine laugh everyday courtesy of a five and six years old? Everyday, I hear I love you as sincere as can be. It is easier than I would like to admit, to take for granted each of these little moments--my daughter's musings about her latest robot sketches, my son's intensity about race cars. So many shallow minded adults think of these moments as nuisances. The could not be more wrong. The innocence and excitement of children are characteristics to which we should all aspire. I wish I could be so lucky to approach each day with such curiosity and adoration for what is new. Yet, I am so fortunate to experience it through the eyes of my children.

So, I take this moment, to go on record to the world with my gratitude to my children for honoring me with a front seat on their remarkable journey. I just hope that I never impede their joy or their dreams. I hope that I am always supportive of all the good that they will do. As they sleep now, I hope visions of sugar plums are dancing in their heads.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Memphis in 20/20

I'm not certain whether I am more ashamed or shocked to be from Memphis right now. ABC News' 20/20 just featured a story on the astronomical infant death rate in Memphis, a infant mortality rate that rivals developing nations. Am I surprised? Certainly not. I am saddened, however. I've long told people about the troubles in Memphis. Sadly, many of those to whom I've spoken live there. Many of my white acquaintances are deeply ignorant of the perils that exist 20 miles from their pristine neighborhoods in Germantown and Collierville. When I would tell them that Memphis is the most polarized city I've ever seen, I am met with shock and awe. "Surely, you must be mistaken", they say. It is laughable really. Deep in their psyche, they are well aware of the poverty and despair, but because the issues that come with poverty do not reach their homes, they do not care. As the feature divulged, Memphis' crime rate is second only to Detroit. However, the wealthy suburb of Germantown has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Further, DeSoto County, MS, also a major suburb to Memphis has an extremely low crime rate as well. A murder in Olive Branch, MS, which is located in DeSoto County, is the thud heard around the world.

I am quite perturbed that the feature did not discuss breastfeeding as a means of reducing infant mortality. That simple act alone would reduce infant mortality significantly according to WHO. Nonetheless, much of the problem in Memphis begins far before birth, even before pregnancy. Health literacy in Memphis and many other southern cities is nearly non-existent. The young woman, Precious, who is the primary figure of the feature, is a prime example. It seems that the powers that be like Memphis this way. They sorry excuse for a mayor, Willie Herenton, didn't even dignify the story with a letter or his cratered face. His representative, Sara Lewis, did all to shift responsibility from city government in addressing this issue. This is an utter embarrassment. This is nothing new. At my junior high school, an optional school I should add (i.e. one with programs for exceptional students), there were several young ladies who had given birth or had abortions before the ninth grade. Of the 12 girls with whom I used to hang, five were mothers by the tenth grade. Only one of them had a father in the household. That is certainly part of the problem. Much of it stems from a greater social problem which is perpetuated by government and citizens. Blacks are just as culpable as whites in this situation. Many well to do blacks abandoned the inner city and never looked back, this is especially common among those who attended the inner city schools and benefited greatly from those experiences. Nonetheless, as they prospered, they somehow developed the concept that their children were too good to sit in a classroom with someone who is poor or worse, poor and black. Ultimately, however, each parent is responsible for his/her own child/children.

There is one other entity, nevertheless, which should bear the brunt of criticism in Memphis--the black church. There literally is a church on every corner in Memphis. Memphis is home to the freakish COGIC (Church of God in Christ). I was proud, as I was reared in the Presbyterian tradition, to see Hope Presbyterian take a stand in addressing the infant mortality rate. I have attended this church and it is indeed a church in the truest regard. The black churches in Memphis should be brought up on charges of grand larceny. Where was Bountiful Blessings? The former pastor's widow receives $27,000/month from the congregation, yet, they do nothing to address the infant mortality rate for their very members. Greater Imani, New Direction, World Overcomers, Mississippi Blvd, New Salem---these are all large churches receiving exorbitant "tithes" and yet do very little if anything to really address these major issues. Hope is not the only white church which has established a base in impoverished communities. There is another white church in Memphis, Christ United Methodist, which has encouraged its members to purchase and move into houses in the Binghampton community as a means of bringing and sustaining change. Where are you black church? Too busy taking collections so your pastors can drive big body Benz's and have ghetto fabulous weddings with 20 bridesmaids dressed in leather (Google that fiasco if you haven't seen the pictures). Why black people still go to church, particularly these, behooves me. Do you really think these places will save your souls when they won't even try to save the lives of your infants?

There are some who do good there. Dr. Melrose Blackett is an OB/GYN who works diligently with black women in Memphis, providing prenatal care and weight management classes to improve underlying health issues. I'm sure there are many others.

I'm going to Hope when I next visit Memphis and placing money in their collection plate. That is my contribution, though minor, to this problem. Until then, I'll be mobilizing the citizens who remain there to demand change and continuing my promotion of breastfeeding.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Pushing the Envelope

If you know me, you know I'm no stranger to bucking the system. I admittedly have a problem with authority. My problem is not with all authority; my problem is with irrational authority. I also have a problem with those who voice their disdain for authority with figures and groups unable to bring about change. At work, at school, with government--it never fails to be some stupid or simply outdated rule or procedure that people follow simply to avoid confrontation. In the meantime, they are all stressed and spend excessive time complaining instead of working towards change.

Well, that just isn't my nature, but this time, I might have taken it too far. I believe strongly in principle and integrity. Too often the status quo continues because of fear and a lack of principle and integrity. Many knew that slavery was wrong, but looked the other way and did nothing. I have more contempt for these people than slave owners. I have more respect for anyone when they have a position. At least I know where they stand.

I've been engaged in a battle of principle with one of my professors. He did not provide his grading policy on the syllabus and provided an ambiguous guidline for minimum standards. After speaking with him and asking for policy specifics, he either could not or would not provide them. I even followed our conversation with an email to which I have yet to receive a response. Thus, I contacted appropriate personnel at the university in an attempt to find resolution or at the very least a mediator. They have demonstrated a great deal of ineptitude as well. The university informed me that the grading policy is the sole discretion of each instructor and providing a numerical explanation is not required. Needless to say, this is an incident which necessitated pushing the envelope of "acceptable limits". I found this response to be at the very least distasteful and outright unacceptable and I said such to the academic chair. Have I gone too far? Have I risked my grade in this class or worse my reputation in the program? Possibly, but I stand firm on principle and simply doing the right thing. With regard to this situation, my professor owes me the common courtesy of responding to my email. The academic chair agreed with this. Furthermore, I am owed an explanation of any and everything affecting my degree and ultimately my professional endeavors. However, I am not supported on this half of my issue. Nonetheless, I shall continue to push the envelope, buck the system, or whatever you would like to call it. I call it character and thank the Creator I have the gumption to speak my mind while others wallow in frustration and complacency.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Friendship vs Honesty?

How honest are we with our friends? Do we always exercise honesty or do we lie to our friends? Do we lie through omission or just outright? I have several close friends and I like to think that I am honest with each of them. I like to think that my behavior is consistent. This blog topic came to mind during a conversation with a friend. It involves a friend of this friend so please try to keep up. My friend Lisa* has a friend named Emily* who is separated from her husband and in the process of divorcing him. Emily and her husband have two children. Emily has a new boyfriend with whom she spends 90% of her time. She will drop her children off with friends and family to spend time with him even missing their open houses to do so. The boyfriend does not make himself as available to her. Last night, she didn't hear from him at all, though she waited by the phone. Then out of the blue he calls her today (a night when she has her children) as though nothing was wrong and asks her to spend the night with him. So, Emily calls Lisa to ask if she should spend time with her boyfriend along with the children instead of quality time with just the children. Lisa, sharing all of this with me, says that she didn't want to seem judgmental to Emily and declined to tell her that her children should be her priority. Lisa only told her to not spend time with the boyfriend so that "he can see how it feels to be ignored for a day." WTF!!! Now, Lisa tells me that she really wants to tell Emily that she should be more devoted to her children especially since she has only been separated from their father for two months.

So why didn't she? Are we compelled to be more concerned with our friends feelings than telling them the truth? Is that true friendship? As a friend to Lisa (I've never met Emily), I told her that she should have told her the truth, that she is a mother and her children should come first, particularly in a time during which their parents are in divorce proceedings. Yet, Lisa feels strongly that she would be overstepping her bounds by doing so. I couldn't disagree more especially since Emily solicited the advice. All of this has forced me to examine my truthfulness with my friends. Have I ever been less than forthcoming to spare someone's feelings? I'd certainly be disappointed if this were true. So, let's see. (*names changed as story contains identifiable details involving children & a pending legal case.)

One friend, with whom I am consistently honest, is Nikki. We are always honest with each other, but then, neither of us wears our feelings on our shoulders. I think I'm honest with my friend Jocelyn as well, though perhaps not as timely as I should have been in certain situations. I'm certainly honest with Cam & Damita--probably even hurt Cam's feelings before, but that was not my intention. I'm honest with Torri and Keisha too and all of my friendships are the better for it...aren't they? Or are there things that my friends don't say to me? Based on my experiences that is likely, except with Nikki who is just straight no chaser. Now that I think about it, there are things that have gone unsaid, because saying them is not necessary and the advice unsolicited. Ultimately, however, you can rest assured that if you are my friend, you know where I stand, and it is on truth. If our friendship is unable to sustain it, then are we really friends in the first place?