I Have Converted...

to anti corporal punishment in our home. Truth be told, I came to this conclusion some time ago after reading an article in Parenting Magazine which highlights a study conducted as to which characteristics are most common among parents who spank. They were (and I do not recall the order): being baptist, being black, being southern, and being of a lower socio-economic status. Well, I'm certainly a southern girl. My race is debatable (because race does not biologically exist nor is my hue actually black though I'll use it from time to time to keep it simple--a topic for another post). I'm certainly not baptist (don't subscribe to religion at all, again another time another post). I'm not of a lower socio-economic status, at least I didn't think I was before the dollar started losing value. Perhaps I'll win my petition to be paid in Euros at work, but I digress.

I've never been an avid spanker. I would tap the children's hands when they placed themselves in precarious situations. My mother never spanked me; though my grandmother got me twice. So I'm one of apparently the few people of color who has no perception of extension cords, switches, etc. I'd say I'm the better for it. So anyway, I'm reading this article and suddenly a light comes on and it clicks...the connection between whipping/spanking and slavery. Then I start conjecturing all of these hypotheses that blacks (just an easier term for laymen) remain inferior because of their clinging to rituals of slavery. Moreover, that we hold our children as slaves and reduce their free thinking, positive risk taking, and courage by replacing it with fear. To allude to Dubois, a black man will carve a back door in a dwelling if none exists for he knows it is his place to remain in an inferior position. So, I believe that whippings in many ways perpetuate this.

Now, it is one thing to conceptualize an idea or belief; it is a mutually exclusive endeavor to practice, truly, one's beliefs (just think about how superstitious blacks are, yet they claim to believe in Xianity). So now I arrive at that point of truly merging my belief with my practice. I refrained from all spanking a year and a half ago, opting to use the corner. My husband has not adopted my perception and does not practice it. Though spanking is a last resort. Well, the other day, one of the children arrived at that resort and I was in the kitchen--within eye and earshot of the punishment. It really hurt me to my core. For the first time, I was able to completely conceptualize and internalize my belief. It had come full circle. I only saw fear resonate from within my child and a willingness to acquiesce simply to arrive at peace. I saw Kunta as his new name was beaten into his facade, never into his soul. However, how is the typical child able to withstand the penetration of fear into the soul? How is the average child able to inhibit fear from passing the surface with the thought of continuing to persevere without fear? I don't think the goal of punishment, at least for me, is submission. It is to impart self control, wisdom, and intellect. It is to challenge my children to display their fervor through productive outlets creatively instead of destructively. Thus, I pledge to do as my mother has with me. I plan to guide our children in the more appropriate direction while respecting their individuality and more importantly their spirts. I don't ever want to be responsible for inadvertently perpetuating fear and intimidation. I want fearless zealots. So, I pledge to my progenies to continue seeking alternatives to corporal punishment. More specifically, I pledge to implement cerebral enhancements.

The N word

I have so tired of this debate. It seems to never end. This happens to be one of those topics on which my husband and I disagree. I'm sure you all are aware of the perpetually unfolding Jesse Jackson debacle. It has led to more conversations on the morning show circuit regarding the infamous N word. None seems to have been as heated as The View's conversation in which one of the hostesses breaks into tears.

First, whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? My mother always says you can't control what people think or say about you so why waste the energy. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't care less who says the N word white, black, Chinese, or Sudanese. It is a word. I could care less about its inherent meaning, its history, or its intracultural meaning. Again, it is a word. If a white person says it to me in an endearing or deragatory manner, it doesn't matter. I'm sure people have called me far worse names and guess what, my heart hasn't skipped a beat, I haven't lost one wink of sleep and I'll continue this way until I die of something which is actually deadly.

As I said earlier, my husband disagrees. He, as does apparently Whoopi, believes that it is acceptable or rather appropriate for blacks to use this word among themselves. Hmm, I wonder if he and his cohorts feel the same if a Latin American uses it, but I digress. I strongly believe that it is irresponsible to make attempts to have it both ways. Either it's a bad word or it isn't. I wasn't taught that the F word is a good word when adults use it. It is and always has been a bad word. Why can't blacks accept accountability for using a bad word or release it as a newly ordained good word?

This is no different than the Imus alleged outrage. Each and every one of you knows that you have called someone a nappy headed garden tool. Heck, many of you called the Rutger's female basketball team that before, during, and after the alleged insult. You are still using that term or a similar one to refer to people now. How can you have a problem with one person saying it and not another? That speaks to some serious integrity issues.

It is what it is. Or perhaps Bill Clinton said it best, "It depends on what the word is is."

Hair & Money

I've had this conversation with my girlfriends before. I am unable to grasp why women, particularly women with money and power seem to care not for the appearance of their hair (Oprah excluded). This is not exclusive to the wealthy. There are several women that I know rather well who leave their homes looking like who did it and why. Trifling is the word commonly used in social circles of color. I am refraining from being more specific as I truly value these relationships and I've learned that women wear their feelings on their hair.

A fellow co-worker lives near me and is also a client of my hair care professional. We were discussing what cut backs we were making in our lives due to higher prices for goods and services. More specifically, we were having this conversation because we live about 35 miles from the salon. We both agreed (because we faithfully visit the shop every 1-2 weeks) that our hair appointments would be the last to go. I've considered cutting back on meals because my hair care is a necessity not a luxury.

What I'm unable to fathom is why most if not all women do not feel this way. There are some women with whom I'm very close, who couldn't care less about their hair. Getting it done only for touch-ups is the norm. WTF!! Are you kidding me? Then they wonder why it looks a mess, proclaiming we have different kinds of hair. Sloppy pony tails, three inches of split ends, and all sorts of damage on the heads of women driving Mercedes and carrying $800 purses. Like my mother says, "Bad hair can ruin the baddest outfit." I couldn't agree more. Please help me understand. I also have another conundrum involving this bad hair affair. Why are women more loyal to length than healthy hair? Everyday I see women with six or seven strands of hair down their back while the rest is "ate out" in the words of my stylist. Why? Why? These women are never admired except by other women with the same "ate out" look. I am much more complimentary of a cute pixie cut or tight bob than some ragged mop. Yet women can't seem to break the hair affair.

Let's take Condoleezza Rice for example. Granted, she has improved since first emerging on the political scene, but homegirl is still rocking what appears to be a press and curl. Seriously, we learned a decade ago that grease is not necessary to straighten nappy roots. Is she still going to her childhood stylist? There is also Gayle King who is clearly wigging or weaving out. I love good wigs and give props to any woman rocking a tight weave, but Gayle's is just heavy and artificial looking. Is not the point to look authentic?

Also, why do women rock the same style for decades? You know who you are. As the rule says, if you haven't been complimented on your hair in the last six months; it is time for a change. I have an idea of the root of one of these problems. There are those of you out there who compliment all women with long hair even when it looks a hot mess. It could be split root to tip, fried, dyed, and laid to the side, but as long as it has length, you'd compliment. Please stop now. These women look haggardly. Perhaps it goes back to that old adage, "misery loves company". Well at least my girls: TL, VM, JD, CR, and VA are right by the head. I wouldn't hang with them if it were any other way.

Bert & Ernie

Okay, my husband's favorite Sesame Street characters as a child were Bert & Ernie. The suggestions that the two were an item have become fervent pop culture rumors. Well, my husband has recently acquired a rather annoying habit of watching Family Guy reruns. The lacking television summer line up has apparently taken its hold--that combined with his injured foot (at least this is his excuse for suspending our jogging regimine). So the other day, Family Guy featured a Bert & Ernie sketch that my husband DVR'd (is that a word?) because he just had to share it with me. In the sketch, Bert & Ernie are sharing one bed, naked, and Bert gets out of the bed and Ernie says "Bert, you told me you were going to stop drinking." My husband rolls on the floor in laughter. Apparently, I'm missing something. It just wasn't funny to me. I never gave much thought to Bert or Ernie's sexual orientation or any other of Jim Henson's characters.

My husband has a penchant for primetime cartoons (The Simpsons & King of the Hill) and perhaps it was nostalgic to see the union of a childhood favorite with a newer one. At any rate, no real rhyme or reason to this post other than to solicit opinions about Bert & Ernie because I just didn't get it. Oscar the Grouch was my favorite Sesame Street character so I imagine I would get it if it were Oscar.

Calling Names

Believe me when I tell you, I am in staunch opposition to any and everyone who chooses to burden their child with what I call a ghetto name. Perhaps the PC terminology for such a name would be a socio-economically identifiable name. Please do not misunderstand or misconstrue my point. I am completely in favor of individuality and uniqueness. Further, I am a proponent of ethnic and culturally distinct names, that is when they truly have meaning and some connection with cultural ancestry and ancestry does not include the tendencies of the last thirty years to go straight “hood” when selecting a name for your offspring. This has long been my opinion, in strong opposition to my husband who has long told me that I am just supercilious. Of course I denied such hurtful and unjustifiable allegations until recently. Last month, I had an epiphany. I was in the company of some women who have very urban tendencies in dress, speech, hair styles, and behavior. I have long argued with my husband that these people must know that they look and are perceived in a certain light which to much of America is considered ghetto. Of course, he always countered with this is all that they know and that to them there is nothing wrong with their behavior or style. For years I ignored his rants until last month when I was alone with some of these people and for whatever reason unarmored with my TRUTH and social responsibility. As I sat and listened, more observant than judgmental, I witnessed the phenomenon of unabashed ignorance in play. There was one little girl the same age as my daughter and the ladies complimented her mother’s hair styling technique, which in my eyes and my conditioning was excessively adorned with various colors of barrettes none of which matched her red and white clothing. I was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. I was ashamed of my own ignorance. In my mind I questioned them first. Why had they not complimented on my daughter’s hair? After all, she had only one color of barrettes which matched the hair balls and her clothing and the maximum four pony tails. My first thought, jealousy; and truth be told, I still feel that there was indeed a tinge of that present. Then, I began to question myself. Could I have been wrong all of these years? Had these people not seen Clair Huxtable? Moreover, had they not encountered women like her or the children like Rudy and Olivia from the Cosby show? Then it struck me; they hadn’t. They watch the “Parkers” and shows like them which I detest. They just didn’t know any better and neither did I of their world. So now you ask, what does this have to do with the socio-economically identifying names that you mentioned at the beginning of your op-ed? Further, what names are these and what makes them socio-economically identifiable? Well, this was the moment of clarity for me that lead me to a deeper understanding of what motivates people of lower socio-economic backgrounds to engage in such behavior. I believe that this phenomenon is for the most part exclusive to those of lower socio-economic status, hence, I use the term socio-economically identifiable because most of the Keishas, Tanishas, LaQuindrinicas, DeMarios, LaQuandres, and the like are from poorer backgrounds.

Even so, it is time for me to cease the name calling and start listening. There is a great deal of power in naming and name calling. When you bring a child into this world the moment is both humbling and empowering. What you do at that moment gives direction for the rest of your child’s life. Not very long ago, our ancestors were stripped of our own names, history, culture, and the right of naming our progenies. So I asked myself, “is this the backlash?” Are we rebelling sub-consciously and irrationally? My background in consumer psychology screams yes. Further, I see correlation in other behaviors of the socio-economically deprived, such as in the clothing and hair styling. The under-privileged are destitute of money, status, and power. However, there is that single moment, that creativity inspiring event of bestowing a name upon your offspring that ignites something within the poor that unfortunately threatens to relegate your child to a life time of struggle and deprivation. These are the names with hyphenation, accent marks, and case combinations. They are often extremely multi-syllabic and puzzling to even the most seasoned educators. Now, I am not speaking of the Samirahs, the Jabrils, Jamals, or the Kelanis. This is about the Quantinnettes, Shunnekitas, Quindrinicus, and LaQuans. I know that some of you reading this are just like my husband and you believe that I am arrogant or like some say about Bill Cosby’s opinions on the same topic, out of touch. Perhaps, but I also confront such attacks with the same notion that these parents too, are out of touch and even arrogantly ghetto fabulous. Recent studies have shown that regardless of education and qualifications, resumes with these names are often tossed aside in favor of Jennifer, Kelly, Jason, or Brandon. Is it right? Of course not. Is it legal? Well, it is definitely discriminatory, but the burden of proving discrimination like the burden of those names is tremendous.

I believe in the freedom of speech and privacy. However, I challenge these parents to think long and hard of the ramifications of these names on not only their child’s school years, but their professions, lives, and the well being of their children’s offspring. I have acquaintances and best friends with these names. Each of them has on numerous occasions encountered various struggles and unintentional name calling. Nonetheless, they persevere. I applaud them, for I am busy fighting the other battles of being a black female in America. We, gave our daughter a Hawaiian name, but with only two syllables and gave our son a European inspired name, but with an atypical spelling. So, I obviously believe in creativity and freedom, but with forethought when it comes to names. I have suggested a hospital board comprised of teachers, who after all will have the awesome task of pronouncing these names daily when these children enter school, This board would accept and reject name submissions of new parents. I propose that the names must be accepted before approving the birth certificate. I know the ACLU would come gunning for me, but this is my idea. Again, my husband says, I just don’t get it. Nonetheless, I have learned something about the prevalence of ignorance within our culture and more importantly, within me. So, I argue that this may be a result of the powerless, rebelling against the power structure or more simply stated, a struggle for identity, worth, and recognition. Naming is a privilege and an honor, not simply a right.