Defeated

Something is amiss with my husband and me. Last Thanksgiving, we were in sync...finishing each other's sentences, reading each other's minds, Taboo champs. We walked into Casa de Walker and left their metaphorical carcasses decomposing in defeat. We cleaned the floors with them. We were unstoppable, yes, we shamed my cousins in their own home. Well, today was the rematch and it wasn't really so much that my husband and I were off as much as it was the rest of our team. We went from the dream team last year to bench warmers. My mother's trusty steed claimed to be so adept at the game only to not even get one clue from his mouth. Thank the Creator for Six who saved the day and managed to keep us in the game. You go girl! Mommy is so proud of you.

This is serious, it has become a tradition of gatherings. We play to win. What is most disturbing is that we lost to my cousin who is 13. I must admit, I beckoned him to the other side because I foolishly believed that he might lack the general knowledge to give good clues. Boy was I wrong. He gave them eight of their 16 points. If you have not played Taboo, Gestures, or Scrabble you are really missing some hilarious fun. I remember my family battling each other at each holiday gathering when I was a little girl. They would argue vehemently over the legitimacy of words when the dictionary, which was on the table, would have much more quickly resolved the argument. It was the spirit and thrill of it all. Now as an adult, I have caught that same spirit of camaraderie. This year, it has ended in disappointment. Nonetheless, as always, we had so much fun--even if we did lose. Surprisingly, my super competitive husband is not that bothered about it. Perhaps he expended all of his mojo on the Cowboys who did win today. So, he'll be on cloud nine till the next game.

Re-Up or Opt Out

I've been married or incarcerated for a minute depending upon which day you ask. These are the breaks. You don't coexist with anyone without at least cogitating once or one thousand times (this is an exaggeration for all of those insanely perpetually blissfully married or cohabitants--you know the kool-aid drinkers). I recall one of my good friends visiting me with her husband and daughter from S. Korea shortly after I had gotten married. I was pregnant with our first child. They looked at each other, longingly and said, we're stuck. Neither of us can leave. We have our daughter, bank accounts, intertwined credit, passports, a home in another country--we are stuck. Well, some way, some how, they got unstuck and divorced oh, maybe three or four years ago. There was a rifle and a closet involved, an easy motivation to find some kind of solvent to loosen that adhesive that had them so stuck.

I've known so many couples who have parted ways, others who are seriously considering it, and of course every once in a while, I encounter the liar who talks ad nauseum about how perfect and wonderful their marriage always is. I think you call them newlyweds or just liars. For those of us who keep it real, we'll let you know it is about serious effort and there are times when one or both are not putting forth his or her fair share. It happens. So, I share all of this to suggest a marriage clause. No, not a prenuptial agreement. We get so caught up in protecting "my" or "his" finances that we don't think anything about protecting who and what we are and will surely become during the evolution of the marriage. That prenuptial and splitting finances s^%$ is a topic for another blog.

I propose a "Re-Up or Opt Out Clause". The stage at which you choose to implement it is an entirely personal choice, be it the "seven year itch", the ten year marker, or for ye with little faith two years (I recommend at least five, the first two years are getting to know you working out the kinks years anyway unless your man is crazy, deranged in which case you had signs before you said I do.) By having this clause as a part of your marital agreement, each member of the couple has the option at whatever stage you preselect, to either re-up for another interval, or opt out, no questions asked, uncontested. Just as both parties were required to sign up initially, both parties must agree to re up. If one member of the couple decides he or she does not wish to continue with the marriage, the other member must adhere to the agreement. Perhaps this will make things easier. Of course this could be viewed as one of those planning to fail things, but I look at it as just being honest. Your forever may not be the same as my forever. Besides, it is a lot better than one member feeling like a hostage.

I'm sure many will abhor this suggestion. Those are the people whose spouses would choose to opt out. As my mom always says, "You can't hold back water when it wants to go." For proof of that, remember New Orleans August 2005 or India December 2004. When someone really wants to do something they have the force of water.

Jedi Mind Tricks

For those of you unfamiliar with Star Wars, don't worry, you needn't be to understand this post. There are millions of people, perhaps tens of millions, who engage in Jedi mind tricks daily. My children have used Jedi mind tricks every since they learned to speak. It is rather annoying I must say, particularly for those of us who respect and demand concise communication both written and verbal.

Let me enlighten you as to what a Jedi mind trick is. Basically, it is passive aggressive language or behavior performed to request or cajole someone else to action when it might have just as easily been done by simply asking in a direct manner. Here is an anecdote. This evening, the natives and I were in K- Roger, that's right, not Kroger, but K- Roger, check the signs folks, that's they way they present it, so that is the way I say it as two distinct syllables--but I digress. At any rate, we were in the supermarket and Five says, "I wish I had some cookies." So already perturbed because this is the hundredth time Five and/or Six has tried this, I responded, "Look, don't try your Jedi mind tricks on me. If you want something, I have taught you the proper way to ask. I shall not be persuaded or dissuaded to action with Jedi mind tricks." Then, Five politely asked, "may I have some cookies please." Of course I purchased cookies.

These tricks happen quite frequently. My aunt tried unsuccessfully to bait me to reveal information about my cousins whereabouts by saying, "I heard she was in X." My response, "Really." Then, she says, "I wonder where she is?" I did not respond. I don't like questions posed as statements or any passive aggressive mechanism. Just ask for what you want. Otherwise, it will be ignored by me. What people are failing to realize is that I am a Jedi Master. Pseudo Jedi apprentices need not apply. Unless you have mastered telekenisis, mind reading, or prophesy, don't try me. Just ask directly. You'll get a direct response. It may not be one to your liking, but a response nonetheless.

Stop Doing Slave Things

Last weekend, my sister, brother, and mother visited us and we really enjoyed each other's company. We visited Atlanta area colleges so that my sister, who graduates in a year, could get an idea of where she might like to attend. I had no idea, until Saturday, that my sister still does slave things. Please allow me to elaborate.

Saturday morning, my sister asked me if I had some grease. "Grease?", I asked. "You mean, cooking oil?" "No", my sister replied. "Hair grease." Seriously, black people, are there really some of you out there who still believe you need grease to straighten or maintain the straightness of your hair? I explained that I do not use grease and have had the same can of oil sheen for six years. Moreover, I don't use grease laden products. Please allow me to enlighten you. All you need is heat. We figured out, oh about a decade or so ago, that grease is not only unnecessary, it is damaging to hair follicles. I also learned that my sister still uses sponge rollers, which strip the hair of moisture and lead to breakage, particularly if you do not use grease. So, I guess in her case, she really does need grease since she is still using sponge rollers. They still sell those?

On to my next slave like behavior. My mother, and many mothers and aunts across America, still eat slave food. At least once a month, she is cooking greens, pinto beans, or some slave food like that. Now, we do not consume swine and have not since 1992, so I would consider my folks to be evolved slaves, but slaves nonetheless. Come on black people. We have a black president and I don't expect him to pull the grill onto the lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So please, expand your horizons, stop using hair grease, stop cooking black eyed peas, and stop doing slave things. Us is free now.

Wonderment!

I am simply in awe. I certainly did not think that I would see this day in my young life if at all. Today, I have witnessed a new America, a truly United States of America in which perhaps a man is judged more by the content of his character and less by the color of his skin. Is this a dream? I am shocked as well as amazed, in pure wonderment. I am also honored to witness history. The dream is no longer deferred.

I am happiest for my dear son, for all the sons of color who have been told implicitly that there are limits to their achievement. I have even before he was born told my son that he could be anything his heart desires. Now, I have the manifestation of those desires as the shining example of what my son and all of our sons can be. For this, I owe America much gratitude. I too sing America. You now see how beautiful I am and are no longer ashamed.