How honest are we with our friends? Do we always exercise honesty or do we lie to our friends? Do we lie through omission or just outright? I have several close friends and I like to think that I am honest with each of them. I like to think that my behavior is consistent. This blog topic came to mind during a conversation with a friend. It involves a friend of this friend so please try to keep up. My friend Lisa* has a friend named Emily* who is separated from her husband and in the process of divorcing him. Emily and her husband have two children. Emily has a new boyfriend with whom she spends 90% of her time. She will drop her children off with friends and family to spend time with him even missing their open houses to do so. The boyfriend does not make himself as available to her. Last night, she didn't hear from him at all, though she waited by the phone. Then out of the blue he calls her today (a night when she has her children) as though nothing was wrong and asks her to spend the night with him. So, Emily calls Lisa to ask if she should spend time with her boyfriend along with the children instead of quality time with just the children. Lisa, sharing all of this with me, says that she didn't want to seem judgmental to Emily and declined to tell her that her children should be her priority. Lisa only told her to not spend time with the boyfriend so that "he can see how it feels to be ignored for a day." WTF!!! Now, Lisa tells me that she really wants to tell Emily that she should be more devoted to her children especially since she has only been separated from their father for two months.
So why didn't she? Are we compelled to be more concerned with our friends feelings than telling them the truth? Is that true friendship? As a friend to Lisa (I've never met Emily), I told her that she should have told her the truth, that she is a mother and her children should come first, particularly in a time during which their parents are in divorce proceedings. Yet, Lisa feels strongly that she would be overstepping her bounds by doing so. I couldn't disagree more especially since Emily solicited the advice. All of this has forced me to examine my truthfulness with my friends. Have I ever been less than forthcoming to spare someone's feelings? I'd certainly be disappointed if this were true. So, let's see. (*names changed as story contains identifiable details involving children & a pending legal case.)
One friend, with whom I am consistently honest, is Nikki. We are always honest with each other, but then, neither of us wears our feelings on our shoulders. I think I'm honest with my friend Jocelyn as well, though perhaps not as timely as I should have been in certain situations. I'm certainly honest with Cam & Damita--probably even hurt Cam's feelings before, but that was not my intention. I'm honest with Torri and Keisha too and all of my friendships are the better for it...aren't they? Or are there things that my friends don't say to me? Based on my experiences that is likely, except with Nikki who is just straight no chaser. Now that I think about it, there are things that have gone unsaid, because saying them is not necessary and the advice unsolicited. Ultimately, however, you can rest assured that if you are my friend, you know where I stand, and it is on truth. If our friendship is unable to sustain it, then are we really friends in the first place?
1 comment:
I think the people that are your "true friends", not associates, are those friends that can handle the truth as well as dish it out. I certainly try to stick to the truth, and I know who I have to spoon feed it to as well. I think I get my bluntness from my mother, you've heard her... I still tell the story when she told us not to get me pregnant. Well, you know how the story goes...
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