Re-Up or Opt Out

I've been married or incarcerated for a minute depending upon which day you ask. These are the breaks. You don't coexist with anyone without at least cogitating once or one thousand times (this is an exaggeration for all of those insanely perpetually blissfully married or cohabitants--you know the kool-aid drinkers). I recall one of my good friends visiting me with her husband and daughter from S. Korea shortly after I had gotten married. I was pregnant with our first child. They looked at each other, longingly and said, we're stuck. Neither of us can leave. We have our daughter, bank accounts, intertwined credit, passports, a home in another country--we are stuck. Well, some way, some how, they got unstuck and divorced oh, maybe three or four years ago. There was a rifle and a closet involved, an easy motivation to find some kind of solvent to loosen that adhesive that had them so stuck.

I've known so many couples who have parted ways, others who are seriously considering it, and of course every once in a while, I encounter the liar who talks ad nauseum about how perfect and wonderful their marriage always is. I think you call them newlyweds or just liars. For those of us who keep it real, we'll let you know it is about serious effort and there are times when one or both are not putting forth his or her fair share. It happens. So, I share all of this to suggest a marriage clause. No, not a prenuptial agreement. We get so caught up in protecting "my" or "his" finances that we don't think anything about protecting who and what we are and will surely become during the evolution of the marriage. That prenuptial and splitting finances s^%$ is a topic for another blog.

I propose a "Re-Up or Opt Out Clause". The stage at which you choose to implement it is an entirely personal choice, be it the "seven year itch", the ten year marker, or for ye with little faith two years (I recommend at least five, the first two years are getting to know you working out the kinks years anyway unless your man is crazy, deranged in which case you had signs before you said I do.) By having this clause as a part of your marital agreement, each member of the couple has the option at whatever stage you preselect, to either re-up for another interval, or opt out, no questions asked, uncontested. Just as both parties were required to sign up initially, both parties must agree to re up. If one member of the couple decides he or she does not wish to continue with the marriage, the other member must adhere to the agreement. Perhaps this will make things easier. Of course this could be viewed as one of those planning to fail things, but I look at it as just being honest. Your forever may not be the same as my forever. Besides, it is a lot better than one member feeling like a hostage.

I'm sure many will abhor this suggestion. Those are the people whose spouses would choose to opt out. As my mom always says, "You can't hold back water when it wants to go." For proof of that, remember New Orleans August 2005 or India December 2004. When someone really wants to do something they have the force of water.